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This Is What It Costs: Will this time be different?

 As of today, my spouse has been sober for one week. The longest stretch in 6 months. 

My nervous system has learned not to trust it. We’ve been here before. I would like to say that this time is different. But, I don't know. I have no control over it. 


So, maybe it is different. Not for them, for me. I have relinquished control. I have accepted - fully accepted that this is not a battle I can fight. I can support, I can love, I can encourage. But, thats it. 


Is love enough? No. Against addiction - love is not enough.


The first time he got sober was at rehab. I was so filled with hope and was determined to do everything I could to make sure he would never drink again. But he did. The second time he got sober was after I discovered his affair. I hoped and prayed that that was going to be his rock bottom. Because my heart was feeling pain like it never had before. But, it wasn't. 


This time he was in a horrible accident. An accident that could have killed him. But he walked away without a scratch. He also walked away with no truck, no trailer, no tractor, no license. 


He says he is done. But only time will tell. I have hope. But it's not that he will never drink again. That's just a wish. I have hope that I can be better. I can take care of myself and my kids and my home. Hope that even if it doesn't last I will be ok. 


The paradigm shift. My hope is in me. Because thats what I can control. I am not expecting myself to be perfect. I am just expecting myself to be better at coping. Expecting myself to do what I need to do to survive. Get myself to the point where I thrive. 


So though we're a long way from me having trust in him. I am earning my own trust back.

And that is something. That is different. 

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